Ye Olde Insane Versione of Harry Potter
by Katie Wintergreen
Summary: Some insanity, written by my friend and I : snickers: We think it's funny, and most of it is original . . .Anyway, please R&R! PG: 13 for swearing and some :gasp: sexual implications.
1. The First Chapter, In Which Stuff Happen...

Author's Note: This fic is the result of a collaboration between me and my friend Claire Treeborn. We wrote it when we are hyper- thus, it is completely insane. Please read and review- and bear in mind that WE think it's extremely funny.

  
  
  
  


Disclaimer: We don't own any of Rowling's characters, places or ideas. The Teen Witches own the idea of screeching the story to a halt. The song "why don't we do it in the road," belongs to the late John Lennon. We do, however, own the Horny Hamster. :grins evilly: 

  
  


Ye Olde Insane Versione of Harry Potter

  
  
  
  


Harry sat in the Great Hall, enjoying the start-of-term feast. Hermione was chatting to someone at the Ravenclaw table about the new Arithmancy classes, and Ron was too busy checking out a Hufflepuff girl to be of any interest. "I wonder who the new DADA teacher will be?" he wondered out loud. "I don't see anyone new at the head table. . ."

  
  


*EEEEEEPPPPP!* (story grinds to a halt.)

Claire: This is so boring, and I'm not writing any of this!

Katie: Yes, you did. You put in the hot Hufflepuff girl.

Claire: Let's make this more. . .er, how shall I put it. . .interesting. . .

Katie: Fine. But we get to write ourselves in- this is way too good for just the computer.

Claire: Yeah. 

Katie: I get to wear leather.

Claire: Me too, but it has to be fake green leather. 

Katie: Whatever. Mine's black.

Claire: Typical.

Katie: And I get a nice necklace like the sheriff in the movie.

Claire: Yes. . .Katie. . .smile and nod. . .

Katie: Let's get this going. VROOOOOOOMMMM . . . .

Claire: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! WAIT FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

PWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (story ungrinds)

All of a sudden, Dumbledore chugged a can of Five Alive, sprouted a magic Afro and leapt up onto the staff table. He began to strip. They all stared at him for a moment, then Draco joined him and began to sing. "Where is the one, that can set my heart free. . .when, will she, LALALALA. . ." Everyone covered their ears, but Draco suddenly popped into a penguin and waddled off the table.

A loud cackling reached the ears of the gathered crowd, and two stunningly beautiful (yeah, right) girls strutted in and stood in the centre of the room. The taller of the two carried a large grey laptop, and both were dressed in bodysuits of tight leather. They pushed Dumbledore off the table (to boos and hisses from Professor McGonagall) and started to sing, "WHY DON"T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD!!!" The penguin came forward hopefully, but Ron shoved him aside and began to dance dirty with the redhead. The one with the laptop looked at the penguin with an analytical stare and typed something on the keyboard. The penguin suddenly popped again and turned back into an extremely snoggable Draco Malfoy, complete with leather pants (read Draco Dormiens - Veritas for details.) Just as Ron and Claire (the redhead) and Katie and Draco were really hitting their stride, Professor McGonagall started screaming hysterically at them. "REWIND! REWIND! THIS IS NOT how it's supposed to happen in Book 5! I have read the script, and I should know that two inappropriately dressed girls in leather DO NOT show up in the Welcome feast and start-er- snogging two of our main characters! THIS IS NOT HOW THESE THINGS WORK!!!!!"

Claire and Katie flipped out their poetic licenses and chorused, 'We, lady, are HP fanfic authors! We can do what we want, and we, for your information, are controlling what you say! In fact, we are just about to make you recite the love letters you sent to Hagrid last year!"

"I- never-" she spluttered, face going red.

SCREEEEECH 

Claire: Let's save her a little bit of embarrassment.

Katie: Nah, this is fun! I wanted to write that letter!

Claire: But that really is her private business.

Katie: So was your diary.

Claire: WHAT!!! you read my diary? I cannot believe this!

Katie: Actually, I was just freaking you out. I've never even seen your diary. (Or have I?) But how come she had to come along in the first place? This was just getting interesting!

Claire: We put her there.

Katie: Really?

Claire: Darf.

Katie. Shite. Oh well. Continue, House-elves!

CREEEEAAAKK (house elves start pulling the story)

  
  
  
  


Draco turned back into a penguin.

SCREEEECH

Katie: This sucks! You can't keep turning Draco into a penguin! I'm switching!

Claire: Fine. Ron can turn into a cow sometimes.

Katie: I demand retribution! You are giving me Harry! (At least he's sort of snoggable. . . .

Claire: Make a deal. You have Draco when he's not a penguin, I have Ron when he's not a cow, and we both get Harry when our fictional boyfriends are various types of animal life.

Katie: Fine. But I get to turn Draco back and snog him.

Claire: Fine.

HCEEEERCS (house elf has hiccups) 

  
  


Katie put away her license and sighed. "Look, we really don't have time for this. We're erasing you." And with that, Minerva McGonagall became a pile of eraser shavings. "Better. Now Draco and I have an appointment with a broom closet." They joined hands and skipped out of the Great Hall, singing, "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of snog. . ."

Ron pulled Claire into a tight embrace. "Let's be a bit more mature. WHY DON"T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD!!!!!"

  
  


An hour later. . .

  
  


"LALALALALA . . .pop!" With a sudden jolt, Ron turned into a cow.

  
  


REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

  
  


Claire: Awww . . .

Katie: Ha! Now you know how it feels! Don't worry, Draco and I were having fun with the chains in Filch's office and he just turned into a . . .

Claire: Stop! Too much information. Let's get Harry!!

Katie: 'Don't stop, never give up. . ."

Claire: SHUT UP!!!

  
  


PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER

Claire made a quick costume change into a bikini top and jeans, while Katie pulled on a pair of (surprise surprise) more leather pants and a tiny leopard skin bra. (Shirt not included. It was a hot day.) "Katie, I think you're developing a leather fetish."

"What? Where's Harry?"

"Dunno . . .hey, let's hold a snog fest, no farm animals included! I'll get out the laptop and write up some invitations. Where'd you put it?"

Katie suddenly went pale. "Oh, damn . . .this cannot be happening to me . . ."

"What did you do with the laptop? It's not down the toilet again, is it?"

"I told you, my imaginary imaginary friend put it there! But no . . .I left it in the office . . .Draco must have it now . . ."

Claire gasped. "You mean-" 

"Yes. Draco now has complete control of this fanfic."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

  
  


SCREEEEEEEEECH 

Draco: heheheh. . . .

Katie: You can't do this! I thought you loved me!

Draco: Yes I can, and of course I do. But this was just too good to miss. . PREPARE FOR MIND CONTROL!!!!

Claire: You evil baw-stard!

Katie: That's my boyfriend you're talking about! Shut up- evil baw-stardy is a GOOD thing! 

Claire: You're insane. Luckily, I have our tinfoil hats that stop people from mind-controlling us!

Katie: I thought I got rid of those hats!

Claire: HEE HEE . . I made them again! I AM THE ULTIMATE CREATOR!

Katie: Draco's screwing up this fanfic! He's making me say things like COCKADOODLEDOO

Claire: I hate farm animals! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa!!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Draco starts the story up again)

  
  


Draco sat there, hands poised over the keyboard. "Hahaha! You are now both my sex slaves!"

Katie grinned hopefully. "I guess this could be worse.. . ."

Pop! Draco turned into a penguin. Claire made a dive for the laptop. "Got it. Now, where were we?"

"The snog fest. Let's put it in a bar."

"No, at Hogwarts!"

"How about the Hogwarts bar?"

"There's a Hogwarts bar?"

Katie grinned evilly. "There is now."

  
  
  
  


A/N Heehee! Okay, more to come soon! Please R&R!


	2. The Second Chapter, in Which we Enter th...

SCREECH

Claire: How come we keep stopping the story?

Katie: Because YOU keep having something to say!

Claire: Oh. We need a name for the new Hogwarts bar.

Katie: Brainwaves . . .aaaand. . . YES! The Horny Hamster!!!!

Claire: I'm a genius!

Katie: What? You didn't come up with that, I did!

Claire: Fine, but I still get the credit.

Katie: If you do, you have to snog Snape.

Claire: Fine, you get the credit!

Katie: But it doesn't include Snape.

Claire: No fair!

Katie: Yes, fair! The ends justify the means!

Claire: This conversation isn't going anywhere. Start that there story up again, lil' ol' doggies!

  
  


RARFRARFBOIBHBHBOHOOBOOOOWOOHOOWOOV( psycho doggies)

  
  


All of a sudden, they found themselves standing in front of a painting of two very enthusiastic hamsters. "Here we go," Katie said, satisfied. "Perfect."

"So do we tickle the cheap lolly in the corner, or what?"

"As a matter of fact. . ."

"Say no more." Claire stepped forward and poked the lolly with her index finger. "Ouch! That's a hard lolly. . ."

"That doesn't sound quite right, Claire."

"Piss off. Wait- I didn't mean that- I'm PMS-ing!"

"Whatever. Just walk through the door that mysteriously appeared in the wall."

  
  


They made their way down a spiral staircase into a large room, filled with pool tables, leather upholstery, and a bar at the far end. "The Horny Hamster," sighed Katie blissfully. "Leather. . ."

"You designed this, didn't you, Katie."

"Maybe."

"Whatever." Claire rolled her eyes, no doubt thinking about Katie's fast-coming leather fetish. "Let's get some people in here."

'Well, we have a bartender." As though on cue, Gilderoy Lockhart waved cheerily from behind the bar.

"Katie! Why'd you put that monstrosity in here?"

"Muahahahahaha. . ."

"Take him out of the story this instant!"

"Pleeeeese? Can we keep him?"

"Fine. But he can't get any."

"Any what?"

"Read my lips, Katie."

"Ah. Right. Not even with McGonagall?"

"Well . . ."

"You wouldn't let me do the Hagrid love letters."

"We'll leave that open."

Draco walked idly in, looking around. 

"Draco, darling!" Katie seemed to have forgotten about the laptop incident. "There's a lovely little closet over there. . ."

"Katie, give me the laptop."

Katie pouted. "You never let me have any fun."

"You can go ahead in the closet, I just want to make sure the laptop incident doesn't get repeated."

"Fine." Draco and Katie snogged up the spiral staircase that led into the nice, cosy 'closet', which just so happened to contain a bed, six aerosol cans of whipped cream, and some well- polished chains. 

  
  


McGonagall walked in, looking scandalized. Claire groaned. "No, not you again. I thought we erased you! I'll just rewrite this scene." 

  
  


Harry walked in. (Claire: that's better.) "Hi, Harry! You don't happen to know where Ron is, for no particular reason that is. . .I know he's your friend, and, um, well, I just happened to wonder where he was . . ."

Claire gave an uncomfortable laugh. "Not that I was looking for him for any particular reason, that is . . ."

Harry looked at her skeptically.

"Fine. If you really want to know, I really want to snog him and need to know where he is so I can snog him. Any ideas?"

Harry reflected on the possible effect of silence, but decided against it. "Actually, he's coming now."

Claire brightened. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"Cool, man! Uh huh, uh huh- wait, I'm not a hippie!"

Katie called from her closet. "Yeah, sure you're not! You're just a treehugger!!!"

Harry started to snog Claire, who laughed, but pushed him away. "Sorry. Katie and I made a deal that we'd only snog you if both Ron and Draco were cows and penguins respectively."

  
  


Harry's lip quivered, and a tear leaked out of the corner of his eye. "You mean-" he sniffed. "I'm only second choice? Of all the rotten luck!"

Claire snickered. "'Rotten luck? Tee hee hee!" Harry let out an anguished sob. 

"Don't worry, Harry-poo! I'll comfort you in your misery." Gilderoy Lockhart held out his arms. Harry looked terrified and ran off the page, screaming. 

  
  
  
  


"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Voldemort came barging in. "I have gotten you at your weakest, Potter! Never think-" he stopped. "Hey, where is he?"

Katie came out of the broom closet and rolled her eyes. "My, you're really up on things, aren't you? He ran off sobbing, like five seconds ago."

Voldemort slapped his forehead. "Bad Mortie! You shouldn't have watched the credits for Barney today! Oh, well. . .I'll see you later, then."

"Turrah!" Claire giggled. "I can't believe it. . .of all the rotten luck,' hee hee hee. . ."

"Get over it." Katie readjusted her leopard skin bra strap and sighed. "You know, Draco and Harry are fine, but you know who this is missing?"

"The King of Dead- Sexiness?" Claire said hopefully.

"Yes?" Draco stuck his head out of the closet. "You called?"

"Oh, bugger off!" Katie shook her head. "Some people are so conceited. No, I'm talking about-"

"Charlie Weasley!"

"No."

"Snape! Just kidding," Claire added quickly. 

"You'd better be- but, no. Think even sexier."

"Ron!"

"Are you kidding? He didn't even enter the pageant. Anybody else?"

"Are you dissing up my boyfriend?"

"No! Think harder."

"You're sure?"

"Yes! Think!"

"Fred Weasley?"

"No."

"George Weasley?"

"No, and they're the same thing."

"You're sure it isn't Ron?"

"YES, I AM BLOODY WELL SURE!"

"Wot wot?"

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?!!!"

"Draco?"

"Unfortunately not."

"Ooh! Dean Thomas?"

'Who?"

"Never mind. Neville?"

"God, no!"

"Flitwick?"

"Absolutely not."

"Gilderoy Lockart?" Claire gagged.

"Well, he's got an excellent walk- but, no. He was out in the finals."

"Lucius Malfoy!" 

"No!"

"Ernie?"

"No."

"Professor Binns?"

"He's a ghost!"

"Hagrid?" asked Claire, racking her brains for all the magical males she knew.

"Nope. He wasn't eligible."

"Dumbledore?"

"Can we say, 'too old?'"

"Seamus Finnigan?"

"Get a life."

"You're absolutely sure it wasn't Ron?"

"I refuse to answer."

"Harry?"

"Went down in the leather pants division."

"Cedric Diggory?"

"He's dead, Claire."

"Aww. . ."

"Yes, well. Any others?"

"Mrs. Norris?"

"Wrong sex."

"Filch?"

"See above."

"What were we talking about?"

"The King of Dead- Sexiness, Claire!!!!" Katie yelled.

"Oh, him!" Claire grinned. "You mean Sirius Black?"

Katie swooned. "Speak not the name!"

"Katie, you've already got Draco to fantasize about." Claire said.

"Who?" Katie said, dazedly.

"Katie!" Draco ran in. "Darling, don't you love me?"

"Of course you love me," said Katie, with a glassy-eyed smile. "But. . .er. . ."

Draco sat down and wept.

Claire put a comforting arm around him. "Don't worry, I've got something I know will cheer you up!"

He looked up hopefully. "A doggie biscuit? Or a snog?"

Katie bolted back to this world. "Hey! Watch it! Claire, don't lay a finger on-"

"Where's the laptop?"

"I thought you had it!"

"Oh, no. . ."

  
  


Hermione sat on the leather armchair with the grey laptop before her. "Now," she thought, "for an orderly world."

  
  


Suddenly, the bar was transformed into a Victorian tea party. Claire and Katie sported fluffy periwinkle blue Victorian tea dresses, complete with white lace parasols and puffed sleeves. "Oh, no," Katie moaned. "Hermione!"

"Yes?" A prim voice came from across the wicker table. "Would you like some more tea? 

One lump or two?"

Harry, Voldemort, Draco and Ron entered, dressed in (of course) periwinkle blue Victorian tea suits, with pocket watches and periwinkle blue bowler hats. "Hey! This isn't authentic!" Voldemort whined. "I was there, and I should know! Hmph!" He put the sugar bowl on his head and sat in the corner. 

"You know what," Harry said thoughtfully. "I think I feel a song coming on! A one, and a two, and one two three! I'm a little teapot short and stout- Join in, everyone!"

"Here is my handle, and here is my other handle- no, that can't be right. This song's about a sugar bowl. Hit it, Snape!"

Snape, who had suddenly appeared in Voldemort's lap, jumped to his feet, grabbed a non existent microphone, and began to belt out, " Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. . ." 

  
  


"No!" Hermione shrieked and grabbed the laptop as Snape began to can-can. "It isn't supposed to be like this!! We're supposed to sit in a circle in our periwinkle tea clothes, talk about the weather and bridal showers! And we should be drinking tea!!!!!"

Katie rolled her eyes. "Tea is totally out, Herm. Everyone drinks Jolt now." 

"Be that as it may, we are going drink it! Tea, that is. So that- spectacle you just made of yourselves NEVER HAPPENED!!!"

"All right, that's it!" Katie wrestled Hermione to the ground and snatched the laptop. "We've had enough of your 'perfect' world! Some people are allergic to perfection, you know! Be considerate! And periwinkle blue is really not Draco's colour!"

"Nor Ron's!" Claire piped up. "Back to the Horny Hamster!"

No sooner had the tea party dissolved into the bar, then- pop! Draco and Ron simultaneously turned into their respective forms of mammal life. 

AAAAAAAAAARCGGHHHHHHHH- (house elf doing sound effects dies.)

Katie: Shite! 

Claire: Shite!

Katie: Now what?

Claire: Harry!

Katie: We can't both have him!

Claire: A duel!

Katie: Fine. As the challenged, I choose the game- I assert- reality! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Actually, let's not bother. That game takes too long and you need to be in the Hellfire club. Why don't we take turns?

Claire: With Harry?

Katie: My turn! DARF!!!

  
  
  
  


OOOOOOOOOOOOOF (house-elf is replaced)

  
  


Katie raised an eyebrow. "Shall I leave you two alone with the all-natural hemp, or do you want me to go first?"

"Eh- you can go first."

"Goody!" Katie jumped up and clapped her hands. "Do we use whipped cream, or the chains? Or both? Or none at all? Although, of course, I could order some hot fudge from the bar if you want."

"Erm," said Harry, as Katie dragged him into the closet. The door slammed.


	3. The Third Chapter, in Which The King of ...

Author's Note: Well, considering the fact that we've written two of these and they've basically said the same thing, we don't really feel like writing a whole new one, so we think we'll just chunter to ourselves for a paragraph or two. So you might as well not read this, because nothing of importance will be said. Yes, there you go, skip right on down.. . la la la. . .have you skipped yet? If not, too bad because we're going to keep typing. Notice the complete lack of purpose in this rant; in fact, we're just talking and making sentences, so you might as well. . .

* authors are dragged away by the people in the bright pink fluorescent see-through plastic jackets*

  
  


Disclaimer: Okay, we hope we've established that we haven't owned these characters or anything- in fact, JKR would probably murder us with lawsuits and take away the only thing we own, which is the laptop of power. WE DON'T OWN THIS!!!!!!!!!!

Again, the song 'Why Don't We Do It In the Road' is a real song, and we don't own it either- it's on the White Album if you'd care to listen to it. Captain Morgan owns Captain Morgan. So there. 

  
  


Author's Note 2: Oh, by the way- just wanted to remind you, WE think this is extremely funny. 

Chapter Three

  
  
  
  
  
  


Claire sat crosslegged in the centre of one of the pool tables, typing up information pamphlets concerning the King of Dead - Sexiness pageant. She sighed. "Katie can post the sign-up sheets once she's done with Harry. Anything else? The judges! Well, us, of course. We'll have a leather pants division, that's always a huge success. . .and which male looks best in a bra. . .and -oh, God, I hate tradition- oh well, best not to think about that. How revolting. Oh well. . .the wet t-shirt contest (please wear white), the boxers vs. tightie-whities, the sexy one-liners, and of course, a general physical feature examination. Yay." Claire walked up the spiral stairs and banged on the closet door. "Katie, are you almost done! I need to go over the details for the pageant with you. Hurry up!"

"Yeah, yeah, be right there. Harry, unchain me, please." There was the sound of metal falling to the floor and Katie stuck her head out, her hair tousled. "Just let me tidy up a bit." There was a small pop, and Katie emerged entirely clothed. "That's better. Harry, you might want to go take a shower . . yeah. Right. Fine. So what have you come up with?"

Claire pulled out a list and showed it to Katie. "Basically the traditional format, although I have taken the liberty to add a few other events I think will be of interest to the other females at Hogwarts. But there's something I think I should draw your attention to . . ." She pointed at something near the bottom of the list and made a face. "Igg. I'm really not looking forward to that, but it's our job, and traditions shouldn't be broken for petty reasons like our total disgust."

Katie shuddered. "The Best Snogger? Who came up with that?"

"Haven't you read, "Hogwarts, a History? It clearly states on page 876 that the Best Snogger competition was established in the early twelfth century."

"Hmm. Must have missed that bit. I fell asleep halfway through. Anyway, as long as we get hot people, it should be all right."

"May I remind you that Snape and Lockhart are planning to enter?"

"Lockhart I can deal with. . .but Snape? That's revolting! And what's the traditional procedures?"

"Well, originally both judges had to snog the candidate at once, but I took the liberty of changing that."

"And is this-" Katie shuddered again "public snogging, or private?"

"Public, generally. We each get seven minute sessions with each candidate. The mark's out of fifty. We each give them marks out of twenty and the audience gives them marks out of ten."

"And do they get points for foreplay?" 

"No. There's no time."

"Well, I suppose if we must, we must. . ." 

Claire sighed. "Igg."

  
  


Two Hours Later. . .

  
  


Hogwarts King of Dead- Sexiness Pageant Sign-Up Sheet

  
  


Prof. Severus Snape

Ron Weasley

Harry Potter

Draco Malfoy

vINNIE CRABBE

GrEGRy GOILE

Tom Marvolo Riddle

Neville Longbottom

Oliver Wood

Remus Lupin

Gilderoy Lockhart c

Seamus Finnegan

Dean Thomas

Marcus Flint

Cedric Diggory

Ernie Macmillian

Justin Finch-Fletchley

Sirius Black

"Looks like we got a pretty good list." Katie sat in the back of the Hamster, poring over the sign-up sheet. "What do you think?"

"Nice. Most of it looks okay."

"Most of it?"

"Oh, come on. Do you really want to snog Snape? Or Crabbe-or Goyle- or Lockhart- or Flint, for crying out loud!"

"Well, I've always thought the Slytherin Quidditch captain was rather hot."

"He's got troll blood in him!"

"I've heard they're fantastic in-"

"Enough. I decided to make the first event tonight."

"Tonight? But that only gives us a few hours to get it all ready!"

"Let's stop time!"

"Cool."

"Then again, let's not. I don't want to get in trouble with the Ministry."

"We could just type it all in."

"Righto then. Let's hop to it."

In the space of twenty minutes, Claire and Katie planned and typed out the preparations for the events. "Red balloons or white?" 

"Red." Katie answered decidedly. "Although Slytherin colours would also be appropriate. . ."

"Next event, we'll use green and silver."

"Lovely."

  
  
  
  


That evening, the Great Hall was packed with both male and female Hogwarts students, all there to witness the beginning of the King of Dead-Sexiness pageant. "I can't wait to see Sirius Black!" Lavender Brown squealed to Parvati. "He's won it for two years in a row!"

Hermione snorted. "Is that all you two can think about?"

"Who wants to know?" Parvati looked suspicious.

"Oh- never mind. What airheads. . ."

"Are you insulting me?"

"No, just making a friendly observation."

"Oh." Lavender relaxed. "Good then."

On the stage, testing the magical mikes and equipment, stood our heroines. Claire wore a long green mediaeval-style gown with long, flowing sleeves and a square neck with silver trim. Katie had opted for a black gown of the same style with silver-slashed sleeves. She also wore a silver pendant of a cobra. 

Dumbledore got up on stage. (Claire had decided to confiscate his Five Alive, so he was as sober as he ever got.) "Gibbers and Giblets, I'd like to welcome you to the first event in the King of Dead-Sexiness pageant. You will all be disappointed, I'm sure, that I am too old to enter and am the wrong sex to judge, so I think I'll hand over that pleasurable duty to our half-Muggle friends and honoured guests, whom I invited to barge into this story and take over my school. HEE HEE! MIGWUMPS AND MUDDLESCHLOBS TO YOU ALL!!! Enjoy."

"Claire!" Katie hissed as Dumbledore bowed to resounding cheers from the students. "Put away the laptop right now! You're messing with his head!"

"HEE HEE!" Claire repeated her favourite lines. "But it's fun!"

"I am going to put the laptop somewhere safe where no one will find it."

"Down your shirt?"

"No, everyone goes there."

"You're just like the village bike- everybody gets a ride!"

"I don't like what you're insinuating."

"HEE HEE! Don't I just have a wonderful vocabulary?" 

"Okay!" Katie had turned to the microphone. "We decided to make the first event, "Who Looks Best Wet?" There was tumultuous applause that resounded for several minutes. "Thank you. Please rise for the singing of our theme song."

In unison, everyone chorused, 

"Hogwarts, Hogwarts Hoggy Warty Hogwarts!

Teach us something please!

Why don't we do it in the road!

For whether we are old and bald

Or young with scabby knees

Why don't we do it in the road!

Our heads could do with filling with 

Some interesting stuff

Why don't we do it in the road!

For now they're bare and full of air

Dead flies and bits of fluff

Why don't we do it in the road!

So teach us things worth knowing

Bring back what we forgot

Why don't we do it in the road!

Just do your best, 

We'll do the rest

Why don't we do it in the road!

And learn until our brains all rot.

ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!!"

  
  


"So without further ado. . ." Katie screamed over the various people finishing the song, 

"allow me to introduce the candidates!"

"We have . . .(drumroll, please, Claire) Dean Thomas of Gryfinndor! Vincent Crabbe of Slytherin! Gregory Goyle of Slytherin! Ernie MacMillian of Hufflepuff! Justin Finch- Fletchley of Hufflepuff! Ron Weasley of Gryfinndor! Tom M. Riddle, formerly of Slytherin! (How did he make it in?) Draco Malfoy of Slytherin! Remus Lupin, and I have no idea what house he was in! Sirius Black, formerly of Gryfinndor! Severus Smurf-, I mean Snape , sorry professor- formerly of Slytherin! Seamus Finnegan, of Gryfinndor! Gilderoy Lockhart, of the house for incredibly pompous and egotistical blockheads! Neville Longbottom, of Gryfinndor! Macolm Baddock, of Slytherin! Marcus Flint, of Slytherin! And finally. . .our own special hero. . .direct from Hogwarts. . 

  
  


SCREEEECH!

Claire: Katie, we are in Hogwarts!

Katie: Oopsies! Silly me. Well, I guess he came from the common room, then.

Claire: Katie. . . .

Katie: Well, it works. 

Claire: Fine. HEE HEE

  
  


VROOOOOOOOOM

  
  


" . . .THE BOY WHO LIVED!!!!!!!!"

The applause and cheers thundered for Harry, who came out looking nervous in a white t-shirt and leather pants. Katie grinned happily. "MUAHAHAHAHA! And Tom Riddle's actually rather hot. Anyway. . .over to Claire!"

  
  


"Okay, people! This is how it's going to work. Our contestants are going to have magical rainclouds over each of their heads until they're utterly drenched. Then, they each walk forward individually, in order, and strut their stuff! As the audience you get to vote- get your wands out and show the individual's score out of ten. The magical blackboard in the corner will mark down the average scores, and then we'll mark the contestants ourselves. The entire score's out of thirty. Rainclouds- start raining!"

Claire cleared her throat. "Would Draco Malfoy please step forward?"

The crowd cheered as Draco sauntered casually forward and smirked. "Look hot for us, Malfoy!" 

Katie broke in. "Now, if the audience would please shoot the marks into the air!" A series of numbers from six to nine whirled into the air and were jotted down by the blackboard. The average mark came to a nine.

Katie grinned happily. "Heheheheh! You go, Draco!"

Ron came out next, looking a bit sheepish with his red hair dripping and his white t-shirt clinging to his six- pack. 

  
  


SCREECH

Katie: Since when does Ron have a six-pack?

Claire: Since now.

Katie: Oh, so he just grew one magically overnight?

Claire: Well, when you put it that way. .. Yes! But it's a nice slim one- and Ron is very yummy.

Katie: Shall I leave you two alone?

Claire: Yes, please do. Go away.

Katie: I'm going to throw my rubber duckies at you.

Claire: Meanie-poo!

  
  


VROOOOM

He sauntered out to the front of the stage and grinned. The crowd shouted and screamed just as loudly as they had for Draco. They started to chant his name. "We want Ron! We want Ron!" Winking at Claire, he launched himself into a graceful swallow dive and landed in the happy laps of Parvati and Lavender. They squealed and started to rip off his pants. He disappeared from view. 

Claire shrieked. 

"Don't worry," Katie assured her. "They're just- playing Scrabble or something."

"With no pants?

"Well, Parvati never liked them. . ."

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" 

The rest of the evening passed without too much more ado, except when Neville got tangled in his shoelaces and passed out. Ron won with a ten, Draco finishing a close second. 

  
  


The next morning, Katie sat in the Horny Hamster with her daily glass of Captain Morgan. Claire sat beside her with a tall glass of gin and tonic. "The perfect way to start the day," Katie sighed. "Yummy-yum-yum."

"Katie?" Claire looked at her friend strangely. "Is there any particular reason why you're wearing a fur coat?"

"What?"

"Meeerry Christmas, you evil baw-stard!" 

"Whatever. What's this morning's event?"

"The contestant's talents."

"Really?" Katie frowned. "What's Neville doing? I can't think of a single talent he has."

"He's playing the Renaissance banjo." Claire snickered. "And yodeling, I believe."

Katie looked bleak. "God help us all."

  
  
  
  


A/N: *points to review button*


	4. The Fourth Chapter, in Which Neville's L...

Author's Note: Sorry this chapter took so long to get out. It was actually finished ages ago, but Katie is very lazy and never got around to putting it up. *Claire coughs loudly at Katie* Hey! Hey! You mean person! * Katie runs away and hits Claire over the head with a baguette* We would also like to thank the person who flamed us and their friend Polianopolis-Spleendigger. We greatly appreciate their input and assessment of our story. *Katie chants happily; We got a flame! We got a flame! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!*

  
  


Disclaimer: We don't own anything that isn't ours, like Harry Potter for instance. 

  
  


Ahem. Again, we'd like to point out that we find this extremely funny and we are sure JK Rowling would too. If she ever read it.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Chapter Four

  
  


"And now, to open this event, we have Neville Longbottom on the Renaissance banjo. He will also be yodeling a Bulgarian Yodeling ballad about cytoplasm, by Henrico ChaCha."

Everyone laughed. Neville blushed blushingly and started to pluck his banjo. The strings broke and he got tangled in them, falling off the stage. He opened his mouth to cry for help, but all that came out was a strangled yodel. Lavender and Parvati, whose laps he had fallen into, did not look happy.

Gilderoy Lockhart came out next, with signed posters that he flung into the audience. The students grabbed at them, scribbling mustaches onto his pompous nose hairs. He signed air autographs until Katie grabbed him and dragged him off. She tossed him into the Cornish pixie room, where he signed posters for them all.

Next came Snape, who brought Harry out onstage with him. His talent appeared to be the joint gift of taking points from Gryffindor and dissing up Harry- alphabetically. He was booed off before he got to the letter J.

Draco recited a dramatic soliloquy from Hamlet, and Ron very accurately imitated Draco after he'd had a couple of Pimm's. Dean Thomas played the electric guitar and sang "WHY DON"T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD!!!!" Seamus Finnegan belted out a long Irish ballad, and Ernie MacMillian danced gleefully around in a kilt playing the bagpipes. Dean eventually won, but not after a lovely rendition of "The Lament of the Cows and Frogs and Arabian Baboons and Other Assorted Barnyard Animals," on the part of Harry and a chorus of cactuses. Sirius Black showed off all his best hexes using Snape as the crash test dummy, and Lupin sang soulful blues.

"You know what, Claire?" Katie commented thoughtfully as she and Draco enjoyed a quiet game of strip-pool in the Horny Hamster. "We still need a commentator for the Best Snogger bit."

"Well, Filch has offered, but I think we'll also need someone else."

"Such as?" 

"BOO!" A very psycho-looking girl in a fluffy pink party dress appeared suddenly from behind a leather chair, her blonde hair in pigtails.

"Aah!" said Draco.

"Aah!" said Lockhart.

"Oh, hello, Emily," said Katie, nodding genially to the strange presence. "I mean- Aah!"

"What are you doing here?" Claire asked her school friend. "On leave from the queen of Chaos again, are we?"

"Matter of fact," Emily said with a deranged look in her eye, "I is here 'cause I is wanting to be the King of Dead-Sexiness! Where do me sign up?"

"Emily," Claire said gently, "I'm terribly sorry, but the King of Dead-Sexiness has to be a male. I hope you understand."

Emily looked dejected for three and a half seconds, then brightened. "But can me still watch?"

"Actually," Katie said, smiling, "You came at just the right time. Could you help our caretaker, Filch, commentate the Best Snogger competition?"

"I prefer to be called Delores," came a high-pitched, raspy voice from the corner. The man himself stepped out from the shadows, revealing scarlet ladies shoes with stiletto heels, red garters, a tight crimson miniskirt and a tiny tiny red bra which only covered about two square inches of thick chest hair.

"Ahem." Katie dropped her pool cue. "Filch- I mean Delores- what-"

"Ask no questions . . ." Filch replied mistily, swaying his hips as he made his way over to the bar. 

"Oh, my virgin eyes!" Emily said, dropping all pretense of bad grammar. "Is that- is that the guy-"

"Uh-huh." Claire nodded slowly. "Although I really though he'd look a little more- masculine."

"Yes, well." Katie clapped her hands and turned away from the hideous red blob at the other side of the room. "Ignore the man behind the curtain, please. . .so Emily, what do you think?"

"Well, he could use a little less eyeliner. . ."

"No! About commentating."

"Yeah, I guess so. Sure. Might even be fun." Emily borrowed the laptop and typed herself into an outfit that resembled Pippi Longstocking gone horribly wrong. "Now where do you guys keep the liquorice?"

  
  


The evening of the competition, both Claire and Katie were feeling a tad apprehensive. Backstage, Katie poured herself yet another glass of sherry. "Maybe, if I get drunk . . ."

"Very drunk." Claire's eyes fell upon Snape at the other end of the table. 

"This will be easier to deal with." Katie finished, her eyes slightly out of focus as she shakily took a long swallow. "See, I feel better already. . ."

"Obersay atiekay!" A bolt of silver light flashed briefly, illuminating Katie's slightly slackened features.

"Damn you," she said irritably, looking behind her. "What'd you make me sober for? I don't want to be sober!."

Draco stepped out from behind her chair. "I'm sorry, Katie, but I can't let you snog all these people drunk. Especially not me. Why, I remember when Eloise-"

"Draco," Katie growled. "I don't want you to remember that. Save it for Show and Tell." She was about to say more, but a bell rang, signaling the start of the snogging competition. "I'll deal with you later. Excuse me." She and Claire stepped out into the spotlights and waved nervously at the audience. Emily cleared her throat and spoke into the mike. 

"Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to the Best Snogger branch of this pageant. You see before you, our judges, who will take it in turns to snog each of the candidates. They'll mark them out of a hundred. Our first contestant- and you all know who I mean- the one, the only SIRIUS BLACK!!!"

Cheers erupted from the audience as Sirius strutted in and flashed his million-dollar smile at them. Katie grinned. "Me first?"

Claire snorted. "You won the coin toss. Of course you go first."

"Yes, well then. So I just walk over and we start snogging? Onstage?"

"Yup," Claire said smugly. "Start snogging, on my count. One-two-"

Smiling hesitantly at the spectators, Katie stepped quietly into the spotlight with Sirius Black. They latched themselves onto each other's faces, and the competition began.

"Wow! This is amazing!" Emily yelled as she hung from the chandelier. "They're giving each other hickeys! Haven't seen that in a while. . .notice the excellent hip motion there, this one must be very experienced . . .and oh my God, is that . . .yes, I believe it was. . .the Veritas maneuver! Fantastic action we're getting here. . ."

And it went on. Claire and Katie gave Sirius 98.4%, (when the Prophet asked for comments, Claire would only reply, 'It was wild.") Crabbe came stumbling on stage next and grunted, to acknowledge the audience. Claire shuddered. "Eew, eew, and eew," she said under her breath. "I'm glad Tic-Tac's were mandatory."

"Don't worry," Katie said consolingly. "I'll have to snog him next, and then you can laugh at me."

"Damn straight." Claire walked up to Crabbe, who cautiously put his arm around her. He tried to kiss her mouth, but missed entirely and ended up suctioning himself onto her nose.

Claire gasped for air as thin strings of saliva stretched from the tip of her nose to Crabbe lumpy mouth. Emily, on the other hand, was going wild. "Oh, and is that a tongue in her ear! My God! Either Crabbe's a fantastically innovative snogger or his aim really sucks! I'm sensing some extreme inexperience here . . .a bright-eyed young virgin. . .or maybe he's just clumsy. . .yes, that must be it. ANYway, the seven minutes appears to be up, not much action there on Crabbe's part (which was probably a good thing for Claire, I must say) and we'll be back shortly after Claire washes the spit off her nose. That was really disgusting. . ."

After Katie had reluctantly been snogged by Crabbe, the two gave the wonderful mark of 3.4%- and that, as Claire stated after, was being generous. To Katie's delight, Malfoy came next. Yet again, Katie won the coin toss and skipped happily out into the spotlight, obviously looking forward to a good seven minutes worth of excellent snogging. "Wow! These two have obviously bene practicing. . .well, you know the saying, experience is the best way to learn, and they've got that, oh my yes, and is that a game of Tongue-Tag I'm seeing! Amazing, he's pulled it off, and Katie's really getting into it now, too. . .looks like the seven minutes are up. . .but they're not ready to stop yet. . .Delores, the hoses, please, I think this needs to be cooled down. . ."

After being thoroughly drenched, Katie shouted some very inappropriate things up at her friend, who snickered as the white dress Katie was wearing started to become see-through. "Damn you, you f***ing piece of $h!+!!!!! God, I really need to change," she added as an afterthought. "Your turn, Claire," she said grudgingly. "Hmmph."

Claire, feeling a bit uncomfortable about snogging Katie's boyfriend, came up to the spot light and stood there awkwardly waiting for Draco to do something. For a minute, they just stared at each other apprehensively. 

"Wow, they're really going at it now! Looked for a minute like there wouldn't be any action, but WHOA! That looked like it hurt- but no, they're back at it again! Just for a bit of background info, and we foresaw a little bit of tension here, Draco Malfoy is actually Katie's current boyfriend, but I don't think that will stop Claire or Draco . .but as it happens, Claire's sweetheart Ron Weasley is also one of our contestants, whom both girls will have to snog. And as the seven minutes are coming to a close, they break away from each other with the small 'pop' of detaching lips. . ."

  
  


SCREEEEECH

Katie: Claire, you were enjoying snogging Draco way too much! Prepare for war!

Claire: Well, he is very good at what he's best at . . 

Katie: You make absolutely no sense.

Claire: But don't worry, I know he's yours. Just control yourself with Ron.

Katie: Claire, would I ever steal Ron from you?

Claire: Well, you'd never actually steal him, right?

Katie: I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that you'll execute me. No comment.

Claire: You'd better not. 

Katie: Fine. But Draco's mine.

VROOOOOOM 

  
  
  
  


Katie and Claire were, unfortunately, forced to snog Professor Snape; Delores Filch found later as he/she cleaned the toilets that a copious amount of vomit had been expelled before they had been able to continue. Ernie MacMillian, who was very shy, ended up sending his bagpipes to be snogged and a polite note explaining that he'd suddenly caught a severe case of lycanthropy and he had to back out. This sounded very suspicious, and as Katie and Claire refused to snog the bagpipes, Ernie MacMillian sadly was disqualified.

  
  


  
  


Over the next few days, several events came and went, including "Who Looks Best in a Bra?" (won by, much to his embarrassment, Harry) and a general physical features examination, which (surprise surprise) was won by Sirius. After that, they all decided to take a break for a few days while everyone recovered from the traumatic experience of seeing Snape in female lingerie.


	5. The Fifth Chapter, Which, Contrary to th...

Author's Note: Well. . .in this chapter, we essentially ignore any excuse for a plot and go off on another tangent that we hope is slightly funny. Eyebrows are waggled, sheep are washed, plots are plotted and various things are drunk.

Super Smash Brothers is a very funny game.

So are fat vampires.

Pip pip. . .

  
  


DISCLAIMER WHICH IS IN CAPITALS TO SHOW IT IS IMPORTANT: WE DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANY OF THE RELATED CHARACTERS, MUCH AS WE'D LIKE TO AS SOME OF THEM ARE DEAD SEXY.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Chapter Five

  
  


"I tell you, Gilderoy, no one (sob) LIKES me anymore. I'm just- another savior of the world as we know it. I bet they wouldn't even cry if I died. . ."

Claire, who had been eavsdropping on their conversation, suddenly broke in. "Of course we'd be upset, Harry. Hey- have you seen Ron? I need to talk to him about- stuff." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively. "You know. 'Stuff'."

Harry sighed- a tear glistened in one of his emerald green eyes. "I think he's in the Trophy room, doing detention."

"Aha. Thanks. Turrah!" Claire giggled hysterically. " HEEHEE! I love British slang!"

Harry stared moodily into his drink. "Another of the same, Gilderoy. Sherry." He took a long swig. "See what I mean? They only like me because I'm friends with Ron. And. . .because I'm in the same book as Draco." 

"Well, they said you looked best in a bra," Gilderoy said. "So, logically, you must be liked by someone . . ." 

Harry let out a sob and gulped down the rest of his drink. Hiccuping slightly, he staggered to his feet. "I'm leaving, Gilderoy."

"Where are you going to go?"

He sighed dramatically. "I don't know. Maybe I'll go and sit in the common room with Neville."

Gilderoy snickered. "The common room? My dear old chap, nobody goes there."

"Neville does."

"Exactly. Except for Neville." The blonde bartender sighed. "You know Harry, if you want to be noticed, you've got to do something."

Harry sighed.

Gilderoy sighed. 

  
  


SCREEECH

  
  


Claire: Everyone's sighing in this story!

Katie: Is there anything else they can do?

Claire: *sighs* I suppose not.

Katie: *sighs* Well, they could brood, grieve, languish, mope, sulk, blow, exhale, puff. . .

Claire: ENOUGH!!! I get the point! Do you know any German, Katie?

Katie: Well, fluchaffen means airport. 

Claire: Good enough. Thank you!

Katie: Did that have anything to do with the story?

Claire: Not a bloody thing!

  
  
  
  


VROOOM!!

  
  


Katie and Claire sat at one of the pool tables, working on their plans for world domination. "So, our Monday timetable will include prank calls to the President at 6:30 sharp. At seven-"

"Ooh, sorry, can't do seven. I'm polishing my torture instruments."

"Seven-thirty then? Oh, wait, I'm breakfasting with terrorist organisations. What about eight?"

"Eight's good."

"Lovely. So what are we doing?"

Katie shrugged. "I thought you knew!"

"Oh, I know! I know! Let's train our flock of savage fighting sheep to dance! Then they can scare out all the intruders!"

"Oh, and we can teach them sign language."

"Yes! And, we can open a circus, and exploit our savage fighting sheep!"

"YAY!!!!! Then, we can make lots of money and invest in training more Legions of Terror!"

"Who will be savage fighting llamas!"

Katie frowned. "Don't they spit?"

"Oh yeah. I forgot."

"We could always contact Dazzi the E-ville one."

"Yes! Maybe she could lend us the Mooing-Shmoos-that-don't-moo-they-go-baa's!"\

"But in reality, they go shmunk-shmunk."

"Yeah, they only go baa when they're acting like sheep to scare off their predators. I guess they think sheep are intimidating."

"Indeed. So, how shall we arrange this?"

  
  


Claire and Katie were so involved in their battle against the forces of-well, just the forces- that they completely failed to notice when Dumbledore came prancing in with jingly socks and spirited the laptop away. 

  
  


He crouched in a corner underneath a chair, giggling as the laptop booted up. "Teach them to confiscate my Five Alive, I will!" he chortled. "Get back at them, I will! I'll make a musical! HEEHEE!!!! I'm even stealing Claire's line!"

  
  
  
  


THE HOGWARTS MUSICAL

  
  


By Albus Dumbledore

  
  
  
  


Scene one

  
  


A crowded hallway in Hogwarts. Students are divided into two groups, playing up the Gryffindor/Slytherin Rivalry.

  
  


Draco: Why, if it isn't potty wee Potter!

Harry: *bravely* Don't call me that, Malfoy! I'm worth twelve of you!

Draco: *laughs evilly* Who's going to stop me, Potter? You and your pathetic Gryffindor chums?

Harry: *speaking louder* Yes, Malfoy! Because-

  
  


*instumental cue- all Gryffindor boys break into song. Girls dance vigorously on the side, while boys perform simpler steps. They sing-

  
  


Chorus: We're men, we're men in tights

We roam around protecting the student's rights, 

  
  


Draco: You're all a bunch of-

  
  


Chorus: Oh we maaay look like pansies, but don't la la la or we'll punch out your lights! 

Because. . .

  
  


Draco: Oh, no! Stop!

  
  


Chorus: We're men (manly men!) We're men in tights! We roam around the school place stopping the fights! We're men, we're men in tights (tight tights!)

  
  


Draco: I'm sure!

  
  


Chorus: *loudly and strongly, kneeling as though for a grand finale, with arms spread out* WE ROAM AROUND PROTECTING THE STUDENT'S RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTS!!!!!!1

  
  
  
  


Neville: It really takes a man to wear tights!

  
  
  
  


End of scene

  
  
  
  
  
  


Claire stared at the scene, transfixed by the hideous sight. Suddenly, her eyes grew misty as her gaze fell on Ron. "I fell in love, with a beautiful stranger," she crooned, "haven't you heard. . .I fell in love with a beautiful stranger, OOOHHHH!!!!!!"

  
  


"Claire, I think you need to calm down. Why don't we take a trip to the-" she started to sing "YMCA!!! Hey! But I don't want to go to the- YMCA!!!!" With a mind of their own, her arms started to windmill in the appropriate actions. 

"Don't stop, Katie!" The music from My Fair Lady welled up as Claire began to sing. " ' I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night, and still have begged for more. . .I could have spread my wings, and done a thousand things. . ."

"STOP! STOP, in the name of love, before you break my heart. . .where's the laptop!"

" 'The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. . ."

  
  
  
  


There was a loud crash as the one and only Sirius Black swung through the window on a metal chain, leather pants and all. He gave Dumbledore, who was about to breakdance, a gentle duffing up and grabbed the laptop. Handing it to Claire, who clutched possesively, he flashed his million dollar smile, making all the girls within a five-mile radius swoon.

  
  


***

  
  


Harry, sulking in the corner, clutched his bottle of Firewhiskey and hiccuped slightly as he reflected on the unfairness of life. Sirius got to look dashing, where all he got to do was prance around in a pair of ridiculous tights and save the world as we know it. It wasn't on. It simply wouldn't do. He heard Gilderoy's voice in his head. . .

Harry, you've got to do something. . .

Harry stood up and smashed his bottle against the wall. "By Juniper Bushes, I'm going to-"

Claire tapped him on the shoulder. "Have you seen Ron?"

Harry's screams could be heard all the way to the common room.

  
  


***

  
  


Katie struggled with a leash on one of the savage fighting sheep, while Claire tried to untangle the broken comb from the beast's thickly matted fur. "Are you sure it says to use the deep conditioner without wetting the fur first?' Claire called over the sheep's frantic yowls. Katie turned a page of Grooming Savage Fighting Sheep- a Caregiver's Guide. 

"Quite sure. See, right here- 'Thou shalt wet the hair of thine sheep, then thou shalt apply thine Holy Deep-revitalizing conditioner-"

"What? Say that again!"

Katie tried to scream over the sheep's yowling. "I said, "Thou shalt wet the hair-"

"WET??"

Harry sprang into the room, dressed as Heidi with two buckets of water slung over his shoulders. "Never fear, Harry's here!" he said brightly. "If there is a need, he'll do the deed!"

He dumped the water over the fighting sheep's head- its yowls subsided and it began to purr.

Harry flashed a brilliant smile. His teeth went ting. "I'm glad I saved you damsels in distress . . ."

Claire threw up her arms in triumph, ignoring the fact that she had accidentally smacked Harry in the face. "See! See, I told you! Ha! We did it!"

"I'm sorry!" Katie protested. "I thought it was, like, one of those mediaeval things where the sentence is backwards. . ."

"Yes, Katie. The mediaeval sentences that are backwards. I know exactly what you're talking about."

"Shut up!"

Harry drooped sadly as he realized they were taking absolutely no notice of him. "Oh well," he consoled himself, "Next time. Next time."


End file.
